Day 4 - Baby "stuff"

Honestly, I could probably purge about 40 bags just from Levi's room, closet, and the garage (where more of the stuff we're saving resides).

Deciding what to save and what to keep is difficult for me emotionally.  The original plan was to have 2 kids in close succession, and be done with it.  I figured 15-18 months apart would be perfect.  The sleepless nights would be like a bandaid - rip it off and get it over with.  I could take a 2ish year hiatus from my professional development, then jump back in.  My kids would grow up as best friends.  If I still had the urge to have more kids, I could adopt.

Then I got pregnant in May of 2010 and developed Hyperemesis.  As a result of this, I lost 12 pounds by the time I was 7 weeks pregnant, my thyroid went crazy, and I was more or less non-functioning for 4 months, and only semi-functioning for the next 3 months beyond that.  I got a wonderful 5 week reprieve where I felt great, then started non-productive labor at 35 weeks.  Contractions every 20 minutes for a month?  Awesome.  I'll go into all the crazy details about my pregnancy complications, labor, and delivery someday, but long story short, I could only function for 5 of the 40 weeks I was pregnant.  Add in an unexpected C-section and an almost 10 pound baby (amazing for someone who didn't gain weight until I was 28 weeks pregnant!), and my hopes of close together children were dashed.  We were financially and emotionally spent...

Getting rid of some baby stuff was easy - the things that represented those broken dreams.  Almost immediately after giving birth, I gave away all of my maternity clothes.  In my closet they were a daily reminder that I wasn't sure I'd ever be able to handle another pregnancy.  We survived 5 weeks of breastfeeding, but I was heartbroken that it didn't work out.  So I sold the pump, another reminder that my body continually failed me.

But I have a hard time letting go of the things that represent HOPE.  Hope that there will be another baby someday.  Hope that we'll be in an emotional, financial, and physical place to make that happen.  For me, our stash of bottles is pretty much at the top of this list.  Who knows if breastfeeding will work out next time, or if our next child will be OK with the same brand as Levi.  Don't get me wrong, it's a relief to be off of the bottles, the washing, the boiling, but I wasn't ready to let go.

Until yesterday.  I listed them on Craigslist (along with a pack of diapers that gave Levi a rash).  I immediately got multiple responses.  As hard as it is to let go, I hope they can bless someone else.  As we talk about getting closer to God, I know that He will ask me to let go of things I'm attached to.  I'm working on being OK with that.