Improvement!

Tomorrow is a big day for me....I go back to work!  Just for a couple hours, but it's a step in the right direction.  :)

I'm doing much better, overall.  Keeping liquids down, some solids, and BABY is doing well.  Heartbeat of 168!

There's still "concern" over my weight (still going down, but more slowly).  Apparently my home health nurse keeps threatening to call my doctor.  My doctor doesn't really seem to care.   Whatev.

So that's what's new.  I'm tired of sticking myself with needles, but otherwise good.

Back on (and off) the juice

As of yesterday, I am 10 weeks pregnant!

I spent last Sunday night in the ER, getting more fluids, and the entire week on home IVs, again.  Luckily, after going off the IVs (doctor recommended this time...), I am doing much better.  Keeping down fluids, and a little food.  I'm even able to sit upright for brief periods of time.

Now the big problem:  I'm BORED.  Going in the car makes me vom, and driving is out of the question (it took one day of driving down the street and vomiting to nix that idea).  I nap at least once a day, but TV is boring, the internet is boring, and it all makes me dizzy.  So I spend a lot of time just lying down with my eyes closed.  Yay.  My day is then broken up by showering (an hour long adventure that involves lying down afterwards), and attempts to eat.  Seriously, a month ago I was working, running my etsy shop, hanging out with friends....sigh.  Now I'm down 20 pounds and stuck in my house, too weak to really do anything.

This is not forever.

This is not forever.

This is not forever.

Colds and stomach viruses, and HG, OH MY

Having HG is like losing the lottery.  Or getting called for the hunger games.  Or something stupid like that.  It sucks.

Now, imagine Effie called your name for whatever district you live in, you get on the train, and BAM!  Stomach virus.  And BAM!  You get a cold.  I mean, really....what are the odds?  They'll just throw you in the arena anyway, even if you're coughing, sneezing, pooping, etc.  You already know life sucks, and you can cope just fine with a cold or whatever the rest of the time, but really...REALLY?  What are the odds?

Yes, I have spent the past week lying on the couch, wondering why we haven't developed human hibernation, and fighting off a stomach virus AND a cold, along with the HG.  And trust me when I say that both of those illnesses make HG way way way worse.

So I spent Monday through Thursday on IVs (luckily the nurse only needed 2 tries this time), which means I was literally stuck on the couch...our bedroom is too small to maneuver the IV pole.

Can I just share how bizarre the whole IV-at-home situation is?  They literally shove a needle in your arm, show you how to change the bag out, and PEACE, you're on your own.  I mean, you can call and ask questions, but keeping yourself from dying of an air embolism, sepsis, etc....that's all on you.  Oh, and removing the IV.  That's on you, too.  Let that sink in for a second.  Yes, last night, in a fit of "my life sucks, EFF THIS", I got to remove my own IV.  One handed.  I'm a little badass.  The first time I had to do this, I asked if there were other options.  The phone nurse's reply:  "well, your husband can do it."  Yes, Jeff, the man who passed out on the doctor once during a skin biopsy, is coming nowhere near a catheter hanging out in my arm.

Oh, and my 2 year old hates the IV.  He knows he has to be gentle, and it hurts mommy, and he's a little scared of the pole, but I know he misses close mommy snuggles.  This morning when he joined me in bed (never thought I'd miss my bed so much!), He was SO excited and rubbed at my arm.  I asked him if he liked me better without the IV, and he said "uh huh.  OMMY."  And followed it up with a giant hug.  Be still my heart.

So that's where I stand.  No one seems fazed by the fact that I unilaterally decided my IV hydration was over, and as long as I can keep down more than 32 ounces a day, I'm golden.  We've raised my medication repeatedly.  I can't breathe through my nose...I'm a mess, but still better than I was on Monday, when I would have willingly been admitted.  Sigh.

Breaks in the Clouds

Wednesday, I was driving to work.  It was a cloud, dreary day, but the clouds were almost striped across the sky.  In between the dark puffiness, there were moments of brilliant blue sky.  As I drove, I would literally get to drive through stripes of rain, stripes of clouds, and a few bright moments of actual sunshine.  Beautiful.

That got me thinking about this pregnancy.  I wish, more than anything, I could enjoy pregnancy, be one with the Earth, etc.  Mostly I just pray that September gets here quickly.  But there are moments of sunshine, and those moments get me through.

Had one of those moments today.  Between Dr's appointments (WHY do they need so much of my blood!?) and work, I stopped by home for a few minutes to rest and try to drink some fluids.  And I felt really really really alone.  Everyone around me is excited for my pregnancy.  Everyone around me feels great.  I feel a little bit like I'm being watched from afar...I get pity, but not many people have actually been here, and know what it's like to feel awful 24/7, alone and isolated.

Then it hit me.  This is one of the few times in my life that I am never alone.  I have a little person in there, surviving the same things I'm surviving.  If he/she can make it through this, I can too.  It's not going to be easy or pretty (although I prefer when I know what to expect and when to expect it!), but we'll make it through together.  Just like Levi and I did.

So there's some moments of sunshine between the clouds.  I just have to learn to embrace those moments.